Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
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