I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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