I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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