living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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