I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I want you more than these girls want KFC
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
