Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
