Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
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