I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
