matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
