I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
