i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
