just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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