Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
