Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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