My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
