have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
