Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
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