Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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