Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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