Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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