took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
