No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
