broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
