sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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