That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
