too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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