We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
