I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
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