dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
