I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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