I just pynch a tree in the face
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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