I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
