I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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