Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
