Where did you get a picture of my penis
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
