The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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