I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
