brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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