just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
