Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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