I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
