Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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