Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
