Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
