Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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