Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
