I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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