You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I have fence marks all over my body
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
