At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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