my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
You did what with his pubic hair?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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