Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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